Post by darktotem on May 17, 2009 15:19:21 GMT -5
Hey Uninvoked, I gave you some brief feedback on this a while back, and I've been aching to give you something a bit more in depth. My comments are in Italics:
No one likes to be disadvantaged—to be born a loser. It means you have no magic. You’re indelfy, the underside of civilization. Everyone knows they are nothing. They’ll spend their whole lives wearing ratty old coats handed down from charitable cousins, working for the right to live in a slum, forgotten by everyone who matters.
This is a good opening, IMHO.
Bernard intended to change that, even if it meant bending a few rules. The plant he was carrying into the Duke’s presence was one of those rules. “It bloomed today,” he announced when the Duke looked up.
1. This is a great place to start showing your world to your reader. Set the scene and add some detail. The dialog tag isn't needed, since we already know this is Bernard's POV, and not just by the chapter title (if that's what it is), "Bernard's Perspective". Instead of a tag, show us what the duke and the setting looks/smells/sounds/feels like. Even though this is Bernhard's POV, you can also show some of him, too. Strive to engage most or all the reader's senses. You don't have to show us all at once; sprinkle details throughout the chapter.
2. The way this was phrased led me to believe Bernard is indelfy. Was this the intention?
“Magic?” the Duke asked, squinting at the scrubby green bush Bernard held.
See #1 of my previous comments. Give us details throughout
He nodded, and hefted it so the Duke could get a better look at the elegant yellow flowers peeking around the leaves.
“It will be ready to invoke within a week. We just need Amy now.”
I would combine these last two paragraphs, since it is Bernard speaking here.
The cold expression masking the Duke’s face softened a little. “Does she know what you want from her yet?” he asked.
Dialog tag not needed.
Bernard winced. “I was going to talk to her about it today. She can be hard to pin down.”
He meant for more than a few minutes, if ever, but the Duke nodded with more confidence than Bernard felt. “She’ll listen to you, Invoker.”
Bernard bowed awkwardly around the plant and then turned toward the door, but before he could make it out, the Duke’s voice stopped him. “You will be able to pull this off, won’t you?”
His voice was strained, and for a moment the Duke showed his age. It was unnatural to see weakness in him. He looked like a chewed up old fox, even in his human form. He wasn’t supposed to look old.
How is Bernard seeing this? Did he turn back around? Good description, by the way.
“Is something wrong?” he queried.
Dialog tag not needed. Also, in the rare instances you actually need a tag, stick with the basics: he said/he asked/he replied, so as not to jar the reader out of your story.
The Duke nodded, and lifted a thick yellow envelope with the seal of the Western Stronghold on it. “I hope you’re swift in convincing her, because without her help I have three days to live.”
Where was this envelope? Did he cross the floor to pick it up off a desk? What does the seal look like? Here is another opportunity to set the scene/show the world.
Good ending hook; makes me want to read on.
No one likes to be disadvantaged—to be born a loser. It means you have no magic. You’re indelfy, the underside of civilization. Everyone knows they are nothing. They’ll spend their whole lives wearing ratty old coats handed down from charitable cousins, working for the right to live in a slum, forgotten by everyone who matters.
This is a good opening, IMHO.
Bernard intended to change that, even if it meant bending a few rules. The plant he was carrying into the Duke’s presence was one of those rules. “It bloomed today,” he announced when the Duke looked up.
1. This is a great place to start showing your world to your reader. Set the scene and add some detail. The dialog tag isn't needed, since we already know this is Bernard's POV, and not just by the chapter title (if that's what it is), "Bernard's Perspective". Instead of a tag, show us what the duke and the setting looks/smells/sounds/feels like. Even though this is Bernhard's POV, you can also show some of him, too. Strive to engage most or all the reader's senses. You don't have to show us all at once; sprinkle details throughout the chapter.
2. The way this was phrased led me to believe Bernard is indelfy. Was this the intention?
“Magic?” the Duke asked, squinting at the scrubby green bush Bernard held.
See #1 of my previous comments. Give us details throughout
He nodded, and hefted it so the Duke could get a better look at the elegant yellow flowers peeking around the leaves.
“It will be ready to invoke within a week. We just need Amy now.”
I would combine these last two paragraphs, since it is Bernard speaking here.
The cold expression masking the Duke’s face softened a little. “Does she know what you want from her yet?” he asked.
Dialog tag not needed.
Bernard winced. “I was going to talk to her about it today. She can be hard to pin down.”
He meant for more than a few minutes, if ever, but the Duke nodded with more confidence than Bernard felt. “She’ll listen to you, Invoker.”
Bernard bowed awkwardly around the plant and then turned toward the door, but before he could make it out, the Duke’s voice stopped him. “You will be able to pull this off, won’t you?”
His voice was strained, and for a moment the Duke showed his age. It was unnatural to see weakness in him. He looked like a chewed up old fox, even in his human form. He wasn’t supposed to look old.
How is Bernard seeing this? Did he turn back around? Good description, by the way.
“Is something wrong?” he queried.
Dialog tag not needed. Also, in the rare instances you actually need a tag, stick with the basics: he said/he asked/he replied, so as not to jar the reader out of your story.
The Duke nodded, and lifted a thick yellow envelope with the seal of the Western Stronghold on it. “I hope you’re swift in convincing her, because without her help I have three days to live.”
Where was this envelope? Did he cross the floor to pick it up off a desk? What does the seal look like? Here is another opportunity to set the scene/show the world.
Good ending hook; makes me want to read on.
